I immigrated to the United States. When I am asked what is the greatest cultural difference between where I came from and the United States, I either say that Americans as a whole are hard-wired to get offended extremely fast, but don't get angry fast, while in my culture, we get angry fast, but not offended easily. Actually, it is extremely hard to offend us.
You may ask why I think this is important enough to mention and write a blog post about. Well, because in my personal opinion, it is a very powerful driving force, that explains vast parts of American behavior. More than usually thought or admitted. American culture has developed to around avoiding officially offending the other. This means that everything should look and sound good...not necessarily be good though...
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This is where I hear in my head several Americans I know or have met before telling me that if I don't like it, I can leave, or that no one asked me to come here to begin with. Both facts are true, and yet, here I am still...
When a nation's culture as a matter of principle and as a whole, is directed first and foremost at looking and sounding good, there are immediate negative implications. While multiple sub-groups within the nation may experience the consequences, immigrants from certain countries, definitely will.
Allow me to explain. The need to first and foremost not offend, look good, and sound good, might come at the expense of having truthful and meaningful conversations, as well as relationships. When I compare the conversations and relationships I had in my homeland compared to those I have in the United States, there is nothing to compare. Those in the United States are far less meaningful or strong.
The same goes for conversations with clients, friends, and family. Everything feels "bottled up" which ultimately leads to a lot of passively-aggressive people. It seems that passive-aggressive is perceived as being okay compared to being aggressive, although both are a form of aggressiveness. I would dare to say that I have met more American that are passive-aggressive than not, as result of the need to look and sound good, bottling up thoughts, emotions, and...aggressions all day long.
Don't misunderstand me; I am not suggesting that people behave brutally, impolitely, and just walk around all day long offending others. On the other hand, the current behavior is not exactly healthy either. I have a habit (out of pure curiosity) of asking others that have immigrated to the United States if they think the same way, and more often than note, the perception is that Americans come across as either "fake", passive-aggressive, and in some cases - purposely deceptive.
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This behavior and nation wide trend bears in my opinion very problematic consequences for the future. In a nation diseased with racism, lack of unity, disparity, lack of inclusiveness, and more, the inability to have real and meaningful conversations, means the inability to bridge our differences. We, the United States, are truly the greatest nation on earth in some cases, yet if we do not unite on a regular basis, the future will be our truest challenge.
Life in the United States if often better than in other countries, yet not without its own problems. Even being the best does not mean being perfect. Immigrant may arrive to the United States from countries where culturally, the conversational style is direct and perhaps be consider in the United States as "blunt". Blunt and rude seem to be the same in the U.S., thought they are not, just as two people can argue without fighting.
Since everything must look and sound good, true meanings (if at all included) are hidden in American conversations in-between the lines. They can be so well hidden, that a person may have a conversation with another and not be sure what was actually said or meant (I have experience several such conversations...).
The more executive and official the conversation, the more vague the messages become, the higher the English becomes, and less real the conversation becomes. As an immigrant that speaks with his hands, speaks a language that pronounces sounds from the throat, and has a natural high voice, I have suffered from peers and colleagues that while declaring they are all for diversity and inclusiveness, made sure to critique me for it, because it is uncivilized, and even, un-American!
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The United States of America has been founded in 1776, 247 years ago (as of 2023). Compared to other civilizations and the length of human history, this is a very short amount of time. Yet, it seems to be enough time to make some Americans forget that other than Native Americans (a small minority amongst current day Americans) everyone in the United States originates from outside of the U.S.. The only difference is how many generations backwards is it going to take until their family tree leads to a foreign country.
So why is there one way to be an American? Why is it so hard to celebrate diversity? Why is America so racist still? Shouldn't have 247 years perfected the craft of celebrating the fact that color, shape, and size are just God's or Mother Nature's way of showing off?!
Why is the only way be bottled up? Communicating in-between the lines? Why not be good, not just looking good and sounding good. Why not have truthful conversations, even if a bit less careful at times.
If you are new to conversation in the United States, get used to reading in-between the lines, where the real conversations take place. Even then, no one can promise you that the conversation is truthful, or meaningful, since it is first and foremost directed at looking good and sounding good. I will leave you with this thought: not offending someone is great, and I support that fully; Yet too often, it seems to be more important than actually getting something done, or actually helping someone, or telling them the truth. Thus having meaningful interactions as part of life, also mean experiencing unpleasant interaction from time to time in order to become a better person.
I wish less messages were in between the lines, more in between people, on the surface, and in a more meaningful, and truthful way. Then, more would actually be good, rather than look and sound good...just a thought. An immigrant's thought...
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