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Immigrant Parent's Conflicts

Updated: Aug 4, 2023



You immigrated to the United States, and brought your kids with you. As a person that immigrated to the United States myself, and have four kids, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was not easy, and still isn't. It is an enormous move to make, with multiple implications, meanings, and effects.


You have chosen to immigrate to the United States; You have chosen to play according to the rules of the United States. Both you and your children will immediately be exposed to American culture, law, and social dynamics. It will probably start influencing you and your family on day one.


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Naturally, you have lived longer than your kids, have been of your religious and culture for longer, and it is much more engraved into who you are, than your children. They haven't had the time you have had to crystalize their faith, culture, and more. That means that they are going to question, naturally, who they are and what they are, as their stay in the United States progresses.


Please understand, everything you know about yourself is going to be challenged, and you will face these challenges. While I am sure that you are up to the challenges, I am also sure your kids will be fine, with support, understanding, and guidance. They will need your guidance, and professional guidance.


Any parent that sees and senses that their kids are challenged, and perhaps struggling, will immediately feel challenged and be struggling with them. Being the parents of immigrant children as immigrants yourself, is quite a big deal. I guess you should naturally expect hardship, and dilemmas on a constant basis.


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How do you make them fit into American culture without pulling them in multiple directions all at once? - You balance it out, and never let them feel they are to blame; Because they did not bring themselves to the United States...you did!

Continue to teach them your family's values and culture's ways; Continue to involve them in their homeland culture, and at the same time, trust them to balance it out. Trust them to grow into capable adults, just as you have.


This does not mean they should be left alone to do whatever they want, rather than that you should be there as support, and make sure they know that. You don't have to always have all the answers, since you are new to the United States yourself. The less commonality your mother tongue and culture have, the more challenging it is for everyone. The united States is a capitalistic culture, often very different of the culture of many immigrants.


While American society is not as open and accepting as it is believed to be, the children will

be taught and guided at school to accept others as they are, assimilate into American society, and break down the walls of racism, etc. This may test their religious, cultural, and personal beliefs periodically, and perhaps daily. These challenges will quickly become your business as well, as they will either trickle into your home, or barge in all at once.


It is important to learn quickly how to navigate these situations and challenges for the children's sake, and as service to yourself. You must grow with your kids. My advice would be to analyze and identify with the kids, all the good that each culture has to offer, and adopt them. Not easy, yet doable. Know this, nothing is going to prevent these challenges and these immigrant dilemmas, yet they have reasonable solutions.


The answer to your dilemmas is never alienation of the children, nor their friends, nor American society. Remember, if you are the parent, and if you brought your children to the United States, you created this situation, and thus have a certain extent of responsibility and accountability. Please also take the time to distinct between responsibility and accountability, and blame or guilt.


Blame and guilt are common amongst people that have immigrated to the United States, especially when the family back at your homeland, start remarking that you and the kids sound more and more American, and less and less as they expect you to. I am constantly told by American that I have a foreign accent, and while visiting my original homeland, being told I have an American accent.


Know this, no one is, or should ask you to be someone your are not, yet intelligence and wisdom demand that you adapt, and guide other to do so as well. As always in life, choose your battles wisely, while navigating the challenges and dilemmas of the immigration process, and the immigrant state of mind. Aim your efforts, thoughts, and solutions at creating a supportive and balanced environment for your family. naturally, the dilemmas will become few and fewer over time...


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