So many people have written and still write about self-search, and here comes another one. Humanity seems to be on a never-ending search. A search of self, a search of wealth, a search for health, a search for happiness, a search for love, a search for self-worth, a search for recognition, a search for success, a search for glory, a search for hope…searches upon searches; So many searches!
An entire race on a huge rock in constant search, no wonder that when we do not find what we are looking for, we sometimes get lost. I got completely lost in 2013 and 2014. While dealing with hardship in my marriage that resulted in divorce, I moved to the United States twice. Once in 2013 as a married man, and one in 2014 as a divorced man.
Simply put, I was broke and broken. Even worse though, I lost a good part of the understanding of who I am as a person, a dad, and professional. I was a shadow of myself, and the worst version of myself (in my opinion). While I had four children (still have), they were not physically with me, and I would return every day to an empty crappy apartment in Bismarck, ND, and the silence was deafening…
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All I wanted was to be my old self again, to be normal again, to be stable again, to be happy again, to be successful again (if I ever were), to be loved again, to have worth again, to have self-worth again, to be hopeful again, to be a dad again. I was angry! I was angry! I was angry!
I was angry at the world for doing this to me, I was angry ay my ex-wife, I was angry at myself, I was angry at anyone and anything, because I had no idea what to do, and no idea what I was doing.
Without hope there is no love, and without love there is no hope. I was dangerously spiraling out of control. Morning meant the beginning of the search for myself, and night meant self was not found; again. I was refusing to deal and accept that I will never be the same, and that I was powerless to change the past. I was copping, but not dealing, and not solving anything.
Barely being able to make ends meet yet determined and very capable of hiding it from everyone and anyone, including family, the fridge was mostly empty most of the time, and I would “fill it up” when the need existed. My kids would come over for the summer, Jayme (now my wife) would come over from Minot, ND, and I would create this illusion again and again. Every coffee with Jill, every date with Jayme, every launch with Lark, dinner, coffee, etc. sent me freaking out about my finances!
Everything and anything becomes a reminder that nothing is the same and will never be the same. To be honest, now it is easier to deal with (still unpleasant a bit), yet when you do not know the answer to a fundamental existential question such as “who am I?”, all this is too much to deal with. I was 38 years old when I immigrated to the United States for the second time, to start working at the University of Mary, Bismarck, ND. 38 years old with a Ph.D. and a few nice life achievements, and…finding myself asking “who am I?”, as if I were 13 years old.
You are supposed to know; you should know; I used to know; Did not know anymore. I was lost, and worst, I lost myself. This is enough to take down anyone, add it to be an unexperienced rookie immigrant, and now you have a loss of identity party. As is the case after every major party, the next stage is the clean-up stage. You made a mess, now clean up!
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After serial dating, experimenting, research, learning, falling, and getting back up, time, amazing love (my gorgeous Jayme), hope, and hard work, most aspects of life slowly but surely improved. I have learned how to be a divorced dad; I learned how to be an immigrant; I learned how live in the United States without losing most of me, nor the most important parts of me; finances improved slowly (wouldn’t mind them improving a bit more though…), and I am in a place that is promising for the future.
I found out that I often can be my own worse nightmare and doomsday prophet. I often convince myself everything is going to be much worse than they turned out to be or could be, and I also am too capable of advanced analytics, putting it to bad use. The worst version of yourself is the “what if” version of yourself, and while you are living that version of yourself, you are no more than a zombie!
“What if” this, and “what if” that; Well, what if not?! Why is this not the question asked? The best version of you is the confident version (not over-confident or unrealistic version), the version that has a plan, uses S.M.A.R.T goals, and capitalizes on positives and successes in your life. Stay realistic, have a plan, do not be afraid of mistakes, be afraid of not learning from them, and slowly but surely advance. As part of all this, you will also find your new self…
“Easier said than done”. Yes, yep, sure. And yet complete doable. As I am writing this blog post, I keep thinking, “don’t forget to show how grateful you are to the people in your life that have held you up and pushed you further”. So, here goes - there is no me without the love and support of my father and late mother, my sister, my niece, cousin, Dr. Jill Nustad, Dr. Lark Welch, Dr. TJ Exford, other dear and life-long friends, and my in-laws Jan and Jay Kendall. Yes, I have amazing in-laws, and I wrote this at my own will, because it is the truth.
Evermore, there could be no me without my children Aviv, Michael, Noam, and Romi. “Dad” and “father” have always been my most prized titles and will remain as such. They feel my heart, soul, being, identity, and more, in ways and extents that they don’t even know or grasp. I am not the father I dreamt of being, and still angry about that; I feel robbed by life yet acknowledge how blessed I am to be a father at all, and their father in particular.
Last, but not at all least, as part of the quest to find my new self, I found that a substantial part of me is my wife, Jayme. She makes me feel invincible, she makes me want to be a better person, she calms me, she excited me, she fires me up, and she gives me a sense of goal – one day, when I grow up and succeed, I want to be “a Jayme”.
I think I have found most of me, still on the search for the rest, since as I wrote in another blog post, learning how to be an immigrant takes a lot of time. While I am an American citizen since 2021, a part of me will forever be an immigrant. No shame in it, just is what it is, and will continue to be. At the end of this post, I come to the conclusion that I should never completely find myself, so I keep looking, and for these reasons, keep growing, improving, changing, learning, and as a result, live rather than just be alive. May you find most of yourself, never all of yourself…peace!
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